My sent emails today started at 5:21 AM and have just been cut off at 10:33 PM. That’s OK, because I knew this busy beast of a day was coming. When we agree with ourselves that it’s time to grow, it’s important to accept all that comes with it. It wouldn’t make sense for everything to get constantly easier as we make more money, or find more love, or rock freaking harder, create better art, or whatever it is we’re looking for. Therein lies the trap that many people fall into: looking for salvation in the future, “if I only make that money, then… ” or, “…if I only finish that project, then…” Then it will all get easier? What do you mean by easier? I’m not at all saying that I expect things to get harder, but I do expect All That Is to continue to expand with or without me. It’s just a different minute to minute navigation.
I worked pretty much straight from 5AM until 530PM with a small break to return 40 chairs and a keg from the weekend’s house concert. On that drive, I probably made 5-10 client calls, previewed a CD from my buddy Mike-L I’m playing bass on, and occasionally reminded myself that what I should be doing was remembering to breathe.
It’s one of those periods of time where I get the phrase: “dude, you have a lot going on”. It almost feels cocky to say “dude, as opposed to when?” Truth be told, I honestly feel like I could and should give another 30-40% each day to everything, so I actually feel a bit lazy. That’s until I come down from weekends like this one, just in time to ratchet it up higher on the work end of things, or on the family end of things. It’s just how I’ve chosen to live. I could be happy as a monk meditating in a cave somewhere, but right here now in the Western World, with all of our billions of choices and opportunities and technologies, I choose to whip off my pants and dive in. It’s OK to swim, but not to drown.
Even though I take on a great many things, I completely love and accept myself now.
You can put your gavel to work all you want in judging the above mantra. Believe me, my inner demons try their best. There’s a pulse that grows in its repetition and transcends any bullshit negativity though, so good luck with that. My Grandfather was the Original Gangsta of A Great Many Things, and it was a powerful example. To touch so many people through positive expression and example. I’m in no way saying I come close, but it’s something solid to aspire to.
There are moments of deeper awakening in this static where I look down on my life unfolding and think “what a wild and beautiful mess”. No one else can make sense of it, and they don’t need to. Our lives can only be judged by us as individuals. Not one of us is any more gifted or unique or talented or brilliant and powerful than any other of us. It’s just about how frequently we can align these meat suits with the deeper connection of that higher aspect of ourselves. I spend a lot of time in awe of everyone else but myself.
Whoa Nelly, it was one of those weekends. I kind of knew that it would be, where I sense my place inside of millions of kickass interactions and transactions that stimulate inspiration and creativity. Somehow I didn’t have to leave my home in Akron, it all came to me. Beautiful friends I haven’t seen in years who made incredible gifts for my family (Sarah, THANKS), new friends that I’ve admired for decades (Ed) and still more people that I’ve only met but share a deep connection through mutual passions and inspirations (Vic, Ken, Randal, etc, etc).
Really, how the hell can any of us lose when we catch or feel glimpses of that type of potential? This is so far outside the realm of day jobs or pay checks or material shit. It’s just the knowledge that we are right where we need to be, doing what we are here to do, if only for a few hours. The week may start over and the mountains can multiply. I’m guessing we’ll need to scale those as well, because more sun and freedom is out there.
This is how I can live with myself spending so much damn time in front of a computer on days like this. It’s not just bits and bytes and data flying through the air. It’s the furthest most wave of consciousness I’m trying to catch, holding on for just a second, and savoring it. These are our smiles and our friends and kids and love expanding, our songs and struggles and reorientation toward brighter and brighter paths. This is what the hell I’m in it for. Give me bigger tougher weeks with bigger emotional payoffs.
Something tells me that as I drive to Philly with Hamell’s new songs on a continuous loop and my bass in the trunk I will come to terms (yet again) with whatever it is I’m doing with this precious life.
Or not, maybe I’ll just eat a ton of jerky and talk on my phone.
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